Clarity

For me there is a big difference between mom and mama. On a regular day I am a mom.  I do all the regular stuff (and by “regular” I mean that in the we-are-shaping-hearts-guiding-lives-keeping-them-from-killing-them selves-or-eachother kind-of-way) and then there are days…sometimes just moments that  I am a Mama.  That variation summarizes a fierce kind of love that only we moms have.

When my youngest was sick-I was a mom.  When we went to the hospital and a mean ‘ol phlebotomist was very rough with him…Mama showed up.  The next day when that same phlebotomist came in to draw his blood….Mama said “Don’t touch him. We’d like someone else, please.”  Love, Mama.

My middle child is a little girl.  Ally. “Sparkleberry”. I am her Mama.

As her mom, I wished for her.  Every single shooting star I saw I asked God for her.  The moment they placed her in my arms I said ” I wanted you so bad!” Those were my very first words to my daughter….I. wanted. you. so. bad.  “Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks” I can’t think of a time that were more true. I look at my children and am constantly reminded of God’s goodness.

I don’t have a favorite child. I honestly don’t. I am a sucker for them all. I love them all. I get frustrated by them all. I am challenged by them all. I grow because of them all.  I became a Mama because of them all.

We knew…no, I knew there was something different about Ally.  Her Daddy couldn’t see it.  It’s not that I wanted to see it-but a Mama knows.  I blamed myself…we Mamas do. She is #2…somehow I “jipped” her; didn’t give her enough attention, she didn’t get to watch Elmo’s World-we had moved on to Star Wars or something else.

But when her teacher mentioned “learning disability” I was actually relieved that someone else was seeing what I was seeing. But when people started asking her, “Ally…what letter is this?” and I saw the look of embarrassment on her face and heard her attempts to escape the question I felt fierce Mama Bear. I wanted to keep her home, shield her and never leave. It’s not that anyone was really concerned because she didn’t know her letters….it was all the ways she was learning around not learning them.  There was an inner acknowledgment that she couldn’t learn it.

The day I sat in on her preschool class and watched my little “Big Girl” do “Calendar Time” and seem absolutely clueless-my heart cried but all she saw was her Mama’s eyes light up when she looked over at me.  She was simply proud to be standing up in front of her peers.  My heart broke for her.  My eyes shone for her. I knew something was wrong.

Her Mama was not willing to have  her professionally evaluated at 4 1/2.  We’d wait another year for Kindergarten…do preschool again…and see.

Then she fell down the stairs…again…and by the goodness of God…a wave of incidents and conversations rushed through my mind and I decided to have her eyes checked first. Although with 20/20 vision parents, it was unlikely her eyes…we said we’d rule that out first….if her eyes were fine….we’d switch schools and see if it was environmental….theeeeeen we’d have her evaluated, when she was a little older…if all else failed.

“Evaluation”…a “label” was our last resort. If you are a woman…you know why. I remember the first negative thing I heard about myself; yet I forget the 100 good things…we. don’t. forget. We own it. In that flippant moment we are called something…labeled something…we own it.  I would be damned if my precious little girl was gonna own anything negative this early…I am doing all I can to teach my daughter that her identity is in Christ and Christ alone and she is precious to Him.

So every morning while I brush her teeth and comb her hair… I tell her “You are smaaaaaart….you are kind….you are loved.  You are smart.  You are kind.  You are loved. Youaresmartyouarekindyouareloved….” and we laugh and smile…and every night after prayer I whisper the same thing in her ear. It is my prayer that her “love bank” will be so full and her identity so rooted in Christ that when she does hear something negative about herself she will always know she is loved beyond any measure. But once it became a habit-another beautiful realization occurred.  When I die (Lord willing before her) I am certain she will remember this about her Mama.  If she knows that she is loved and cherished by God, and remembers the story that her mom’s first words to her were “I wanted you so bad” and her Mama told her every day and night that she is smart, kind and loved…I imagine many of my failures and shortcomings and utter screw ups will be forgotten.

Her eye appointment came…

and surprisingly we learned within the first  5 minutes of the appointment that she is essentially blind.

The doctor must’ve thought I was crazy when I jumped out of my seat-and hugged her. When they asked her to recognize something and she couldn’t…they gave her words to put to something she never understood….”I can’t see that.” To see the weight of the world fall off of her shoulders as she shouted “I can’t see it!” She was empowered and I was overcome with joy and excitement.  Not because she is blind but because-with glasses-the world is about to open up for my baby girl. An answered prayer. I should’ve known God would want those pretty, blue eyes framed!!

I know that no other mom would have noticed the idiosyncrasies that led me to have her eyes checked with no immediate history of it. But her Creator made ME-little ‘ol me…her Mama. It’s no little job we’ve been given mamas! Now, not only am I reminded of God’s goodness when I look at my little girl…I am reminded of his mercy.

Her Mama now wears “glasses” too…’cos for now…she wants to be just like me….and I am soakin’ it up.  And we got some for her doll, too!

Her Norwex Mama 🙂 got her her very own OpticCloth to keep them clean. I can also use it on my computer screen, camera lens and cell phone;  Dad can use it on his plasma or LCD or whatever that thing is.  Leave me a comment  because I am going to give an OpticCloth away in celebration of GLASSES!!!!!!!

Optometry Cares/The AOA Foundation will receive 10% of all proceeds earned from my Norwex sales this month.  They make sure that every child has access to eye care.  Thank you for your support!!

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